It's about flippin' time John...

Edwards says that Obama is his man. In other news, McCain friend and confidant, the Crypt Keeper, says that John McCain is "dying" to be president...followed by a ghoulish laugh and hacking fit.

Juschtin...are you schtaring at my headgear?....

Apparently, Michael Cuddyer is pimping some new oral gear that is supposed to improve his hitting. Okeedokee. I'm in the wrong business.

New fave....

Juno. It's boss.

It's still a length behind "Beautiful Girls", for the sake of Uma. I'd so nail Jason Bateman. Not being gay or nuthin'. Just saying.

Twins - Red Sox, take four...

Tonight is the final game of a 4 game set with the BoSox, with the Twins having won two of the first three by a combined total of 2 runs. The wins sandwich a Boston homer-fest in which everyone and their dog managed to go yard against the Twins pitching. There were plenty of stunning moments in the first three games, only one of which I care to write about. The series also marked the final game for vaunted reliever, Pat Neshek, who blew out an elbow tendon. It reeks of Tommy John, but as of yet, the Twins aren't stating such.

Last night our favorite club teed off on Tim Wakefield's knuckleball to the tune of 3 dingers, one of which was off the bat of Adam Everette...he of zero power. Tonight, the Twins trot out there own 55 mph'er in Livan Hernandez, who's looking for his 6th win of the year. Livan has a tendency to give up the deep ball, which could spell disaster against the likes of messieurs Ramirez, Ortiz, and Lowell. However, whether it's due to his 20mph difference in speeds, or the fact that he creates his own gravitational pull, Livan's kept people off balance this year.

UPDATE: Livan struggled early, giving up a giant dinger to Manny in the first, but that was all that the BoSox would muster. Meanwhile, the Twins dinked and dunked their way to 7 runs. Clay Buchholz couldn't throw a fastball over for a strike, so the Twins waited on his bender and chased him out in the fifth. They wind up taking 3 of 4 from the league's best hitting team and now welcome Toronto (a team that is having serious run-scoring trouble as of late) to the dome for a few games.

Congratulations Sis!!!

My sister graduated from the hated North Dakota State University this past weekend and did something that neither I nor her sister did...walked through the ceremony. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. When has any self-respecting Thespian ever passed on taking the stage?

My parents should be proud. They have one daughter who has earned a collegiate degree in fine arts (she is an actress). They have another daughter who has degrees in the sciences (clinical lab scientist come Physician's assistant. Their son, god bless him, languishes far behind them, for he has yet to really establish himself in either arena. He's blessed with devilish good locks, otherworldly intelligence, and striking athleticism...yet he hasn't managed to turn those talents into anything more than a state job and one bum knee. I'm sure they're embarrassed.

I'm not sure what my sister is planning on doing. Perhaps she will embark on the "starving artist" quest I hear so much about. Maybe she'll parlay sappy Hallmark channel performances into a weekly spot on an NBC sitcom ala Tracie Gold. Maybe she'll be "discovered" and star in a summer blockbuster along side Parker Posie or "The Rock". Or maybe she'll work part time at an adult book store and moonlight as "Goofy" in Orlando's Magic Kingdom. I simply cannot predict it. However, I can predict one thing....I will live vicariously through her. Her journey is going to be an exciting one, no matter what it is. And while it may prove frightening at certain points, I will be comforted in knowing that of the three children, she's the one best-equipped to deal with adversity. And I mean that medically and because she's got a mean left hook.

Once again, Paige, congratulations. Best of luck to you in the future. And when you are rich and famous, I'm going to need some money...just a heads up.

Happy Mother's Day....yesterday...

I woke up around 7 and Shanna was up with the kids. Coffee was made. Kids were changed. "Sunday Morning" was on the tube. I sat down in my chair to 'rounds of "Daddy!!!" It was wonderful. And then I realized that it was, in fact, mothers day. I promptly went upstairs and made breakfast. Impressive, I know.

Hallowed aniversary...

I forgot to mention that last Sunday marked the one-year anniversary of my sister graduating from PA school in Minneapolis. It also, therefore, marked the one-year anniversary of me knocking myself out cold on my in-laws' staircase after an unprecedented night of debauchery on the streets of downtown Minneapolis. And while the physical injuries have long since disappeared, both my ego and my image in the eyes of my wife's parents, will remain forever altered. May God have mercy on my pathetic soul.

After three days/nights with the kids...

...we're all still alive and kickin'...literally. While playing with Max last night I got kicked in the middle of my forehead. Thank Jebus he wasn't wearing his rubber snow boots as he's apt to do, otherwise I may still be laying on the living room floor.

I learned something last night.

You do not take two children out to a restaurant without the aid of another parent. My parents invited us out to eat at the local fine dining (Applebee's) and it was dental surgery from the beginning. For starters, we had to wait for nearly a half an hour for a table due to the fact that 87 bus-loads of high school track athletes showed up immediately before we did. Apparently, it's illegal for high schoolers to sit more than 3 to a table/booth. And even though we had 6 people, including 2 baby/toddlers, the hostess wasn't afraid to ask "would you be willing to sit at a high top?" You know, I'd love to, but the two small children demolishing your waiting area are gonna need to sit someplace as well. Unless you'd like to have us leave them over here while we eat?

The entire time we waited, Max was uncontrollable. He wanted to sit...he wanted to stand...he wanted to run on the bench...he wanted to climb....he wanted to see the jackalope...he wanted to eat cereal....he wanted to go potty....he wanted to talk to the poor family on the other side of the railing....he wanted his shoes off....he wanted his shoes on....he wanted his pants off....he wanted candy....he wanted fruit snacks...he wanted to go to the park....he wanted to make popcorn....he wanted to show me his big feet (which entails stomping loudly on the bench for everyone in the tri-state area to hear). It couldn't have been more stressful if I had been sitting with butcher knife-wielding Chucky doll.

When seated, my conversation with the waitress went something like this:

"Sir, would you like something to drink?"
"Yes...beer."
"What kind of beer, sir?"
"A big one, with alcohol in it."

Max then refused to eat his hamburger, choosing only to eat the pieces of my Cesar salad that he did NOT drop into my drink, until it was time to leave and which point he demanded that he be allowed to eat it. And in an effort to avoid yet another fit, he ate his burger in the car.

Lucy did not want to eat anything at all, opting instead to use every food item on her plate as a utensil she could lick ketchup off of. Oh wait. Strike that. She did eat something...half of a blue crayon. That should be interesting tomorrow morning.

Get your bumper stickers!!!....

I saw this on Huffpost and Angry Dakota Democrat, in addition to a bevy of other sites. Good stuff.

***

With McCain likely to face Obama in the general election, it appears his staff has realized they have an uphill marketing battle ahead of them. Obama has some of the best marketing money can buy: he has a brilliant logo, multiple slogans, a pretty face, and he's even laid claim to the words "change" and "hope." The following memo by a high level McCain staffer was accidentally leaked to the press, demonstrating the McCain campaign's struggle to find the perfect slogan.

***

My favorite part? That this was written by a McCain "high level staffer".

Go-Go Goes Gonzo...

Carlos Gomez became the first twin in 22 years to hit for the cycle last night, and he did it in reverse order. He hit a line-drive dinger on the third pitch of the game. He smashed a gap triple on his third at-bat. He hit a bloop double next. And he fittingly hit an infield single to cap it off. In his rookie season, Gomez managed to do something that no Twins has done since Kirby Puckett in 1986.

Besides the cycle, the best part of the game was Mark Buerle getting his hinder handed to him by the Twins lineup. Damn near everyone had a hit. Hell, Punto had the game of his life, nabbing 5 RBI's on two separate doubles. Kobayashi continued his otherworldly pitching, giving up only the obligatory home run late in the game. And Burt saw what he had done...and it was good.

Rubber match today during work. Slowey returns from his rehab assignment in the minors to take on John Danks, who's right up there with Ross Gload as having an unattractive name. And may I ask what the hell Blobby Jenks thinks he's doing, scaring all of the children and animals and old people with that "father time" catastrophe hanging off his chin? Ish. Those Twins Girls never waste an opportunity to hammer on Nick Swisher's continually changing, and never improving, facial hair extravaganza. But right now, Blobby looks ridiculous. I can only assume that he didn't INTEND to look like a crackhead beat poet.

MADS - Mr. Gomez. This guy has so much energy, he could single-handedly light up the southwestern half of North Dakota. Close second is Scotty Ulger for the decent job he's done while Gardy's been away at the funeral of his brother.

CSMA - Scott Baker's crotch bone area. The kid was pitching well and you flare up again, sending him to the DL? Not cool Mr. crotch bone area...not cool at all.

GAVIN FLOYD IS THROWING A NO-HITTER....

I REPEAT...GAVIN FLOYD IS THROWING A NO-HITTER AGAINST THE TWINS RIGHT NOW!!!

Just doing my part to keep it alive.

UPDATE: You're welcome Twins fans. If it were any other team in the AL (other than the Yankees) I let it go. But the White Sox don't deserve it. Especially after Ozzie's little incoherent little "touch of the turret's" episode.

Just returned from the Twilight Zone...

Today at pretrial conferences there were 5 attorneys but only 2 defendants. And the two defendants were pro se (acting as their own attorneys). For a day during the week that normally measures in hours, we were out in 20 minutes. Now I feel uneasy about the rest of the day. Impending doom or something. Not a good omen for tonight with the kids.

This week...I'm in charge of the household and no one is going to question my authority!!!!...

Mainly because my wife is in on a business trip and I'm a single parent for the week.

What's odd are the words and looks of concern that I get when I tell people that I'm alone with the kids this week. It's as though I was announcing the death of a close relative. People want to bake hotdishes and shit and bring them over for dinner. I would never turn down a nice hotdish, of course. I mean, I'm not nuts. But I'm shocked that people think that a dad can't parent alone for a week. I may struggle to keep them occupied all the time, but it's not like I'm going to sit them down in front of a B-minus gore flick with a box of jawbreakers and sippy cups filled with cherry coke. We'll figure it out.

What's going to be most trying is the fact that my daughter is in a hard core "mommy only" stage right now. When she wakes up in the morning, it's "mawwwwmmmmeeee...where ahhhhh yooooooo?" on the monitor. When she's ready for bed, she has to have mommy do it. And when something goes tragically, civilization-ending awry...like getting applesauce on her shirt or having to wear footed pajamas...it's only her mother that can sooth her.

I'm good at some stuff, though. For instance, I do voices when I read. And no, I don't mean faux excitement and shrill exclamation. I mean real accents and whatnot. For instance, "Max" from "Max the Minnow" is Australian. Don't ask me why his seahorse Sam or other members of the book are NOT. But "Max" is. Likewise, the old mother rabbit, in the story about the baby rabbit threatening to run away, is a Paula-Dean-esque southern woman, only slightly less-annoying. And when I read the freakishly long "Duck Dodgers" books that some evil, hell-bound person gave to us, I do all the Loony Tunes characters I do quite an impressive "Marvin the Martian" if I do say so myself.

In addition, I have a PHD in fort-building. It is, albeit, from an as-of-yet-unaccredited school. But what do kids know? They just know that I make a wicked fort. They don't really care about my credentials...or whether I got my degree online and overseas. Ask my sisters, who's fort-building talents were equally impressive, about my prowess. It is quite stunning. I won't wire any electrical appliances into my children's play areas due to the obvious social services implications, but my sisters can vouch for my ability to do so if called upon.

Finally, I've been known to stage a veritable indoor Olympiad. Only my recent knee troubles and the numerous sharp corners cause me any pause. These can be minimized with sufficient bracing and lots of pillows. And after mitigating those concerns, we'll get our track meet on right in the living room. This does two things. First, it endears my children to me for at least 15 minutes. They see me as quite athletic. We all know this couldn't be further from the truth. After all, I've got one pathetically atrophied leg hanging next to what I refer to as my "good leg", which is actually just another pathetically atrophied leg...just less so. But if I can fool them into thinking I'm some sort of living area-sporting event God, then my work has been done. Second, it makes them tired, insuring that after 8 bells, they'll be sawing logs.

I've also been thinking about pulling the moratorium on Backyardigans, which has been fairly loosely enforced since we saw them live not to long ago. We'll feel that out one. It's quite a hefty cost-benefits analysis. "Do I want the kids to be quiet and controlled?" v. "Do I want to bleed out of my eyes?"

I'm actually looking forward to this. Maybe it's a macho "I can do this myself, dammit" thing. I want to prove to all those naysayers that men can take care of the kids. It could, of course, just be that I want to parent, and provide a safe, healthy environment for my children too.

Let's not get nuts...this is about winning. Bring it on.

Obama kinda has some skillz...

I knew he played in high school. But the man could still run in an "old pro" league like mine.

"Run it back O...run it back!!!"

Props to Aaron Gleeman.

My own "Liberals who can't do math" post...

Here she is:

There are no words...

Here is one of anti-immigration crowd. Surely there are logical arguments to be made regarding this particular issue. But alas, she's just a bigot. Ironically, if English IS made the official language, this lady is in a heap of trouble.

Surprise!!! Iraq is about oil....

Like we didn't know that before. But now John McCain has acknowledged it.

"My friends, I will have an energy policy that we will be talking about, which will eliminate our dependence on oil from the Middle East that will prevent us from having ever to send our young men and women into conflict again in the Middle East," McCain said.

Of course, once pressured on the topic, he back peddled like an NFL cornerback, stating:

"No, no, I was talking about that we had fought the Gulf War for several reasons," McCain told reporters.

One reason was Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwait, he said. "But also we didn't want him to have control over the oil, and that part of the world is critical to us because of our dependency on foreign oil, and it's more important than any other part of the world," he said.

"If the word `again' was misconstrued, I want us to remove our dependency on foreign oil for national security reasons, and that's all I mean," McCain said.

Yeah, sorry John, my bad. I shouldn't assume that by "again" you meant...well..."again."

This shouldn't be surprising to anyone considering the 3 or 4 different stances he's had on the war in the first place. This guy has a hard time remembering what his positions were on the issues last week, let alone 5-10 years ago.

Twins declaw motor city kitties...

That's such a lame post title. I'm almost ashamed of myself.

Twins starter Livan Hernandez, aka Kobayashi, struggled early, but managed to "eat" up 7 innings and propel the Twins to .500. He limited the punchless Tigers to 1 run through those 7, only giving up the obligatory bomb to Magglio in the 1st. The Twins offense, which normally hold itself to around 4 runs, took off for one short of a dozen. The only downturn coming on Carlos Gomez's AL leading 13th steal when he got nailed in the melon with a throw from Pudge. The kid's exciting even when he's laying on the ground in pain. He may screw up a lot, but God I love watching him do it.

CSMA - not sure there is one. Pitching...check. Hitting....check. Base running....oh wait. Yeah, that's right. Kubel pulled a real boner trying to advance on that hot shot. I'll give it to him because he's gotta know that the infield is in and that it's a liner.

MADS - Morneau. Going the other way right now and not trying to pull everything = trouble for opposing pitchers. Close second is Kobayashi. The eefis was working and he rebounded nicely from the 3 straight turds prior to this. Third would be Rincon. I usually throw up a little bit in my mouth when Rincon comes in. But tonight he was lights out in the ninth, and the slider was absolute filth.

In other news...the Yankees are morally devoid horseshit.

GOP hypocrisy (seriously, there's more)...

We all know about the conservatives' faux outrage with Rev. Wright. We've also all noticed their ridiculous attempt to link Obama to him by association, despite his constant denouncements and ultimately, a complete severance. But don't you dare hold their candidate and his religious confidant, Rev. John Hagee, to the same standard.

***

Hagee on Hurricane Katrina "All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." [NPR Fresh Air, 9/18/06]

Hagee on Islamic Beliefs - Fresh Air host Terry Gross asked if Hagee believed that "all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews," to which Hagee replied, "Well, the Quran teaches that. Yes, it teaches that very clearly." [NPR Fresh Air, 9/18/06]

Hagee on African-Americans - The San Antonio Express-News reported that Hagee was going to "meet with black religious leaders privately at an unspecified future date to discuss comments he made in his newsletter about a 'slave sale,' an East Side minister said Wednesday." The Express-News reported:
"Hagee, pastor of the 16,000-member Cornerstone Church, last week had announced a 'slave sale' to raise funds for high school seniors in his church bulletin, 'The Cluster.'
"The item was introduced with the sentence 'Slavery in America is returning to Cornerstone" and ended with "Make plans to come and go home with a slave." [San Antonio Express-News 3/7/96]

Hagee on Catholicism - "Most readers will be shocked by the clear record of history linking Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews." [Jerusalem Countdown by John Hagee]

Hagee also referred to the Catholic Church as the "great whore" and the "apostate".

Hagee on Women - "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist." [God's Profits: Faith, Fraud and the Republican Crusade for Values Voters, Sarah Posner]
"[T]he feminist movement today is throwing off authority in rebellion against God's pattern for the family." ["Bible Positions on Political Issues," John Hagee]

Hagee on LGBT Americans - "The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing. I know that there are people who demur from that, but I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment." [NPR Fresh Air, 9/18/06]

Hagee on Iran - "The coming nuclear showdown with Iran is a certainty," Hagee wrote [in 2006] in the Pentecostal magazine Charisma. "Israel and America must confront Iran's nuclear ability and willingness to destroy Israel with nuclear weapons. For Israel to wait is to risk committing national suicide." [The Nation, 8/8/2006]

***

Funny isnt' it? The hypocritical right wingers complain that Obama has offended the consciences of all Americans through his pastor, but nary a tidbit about how McCain's pastor has offended damn near everyone (and their dobermans) with his bullshit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think that McCain's ability to lead should be equated with what some moronic pastor says. I'm just pointing out yet another instance of hypocrisy. And as I've stated before, it' because they think you're too stupid to realize they're doing it.