Mighty Knights...

As a parent, I am painfully familiar with a multitude of children's programming. Curious George, Elmo, Dora and her male counterpart Diego, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Blues Clues, Veggie Tales, Justice League etc. But there is nothing that works my children into a euphoric lather quite like The Backyardians. As soon as one mentions the possibility of turning on the television, my children will begin dance about the room, swinging their arms above their heads, spinning in circles and campaigning for this particular series. Essentially, the show entails 5 psychedelically-colored zoo animals that use their imaginations to transform the back yard into the setting for numerous adventures. The cast includes "Pablo" the blue penguin, "Tasha" the yellow hippo, "Tyrone" the orange moose, "Austin" the purple kangaroo, and "Uniqua". To be honest, I'm not sure what the hell "Uniqua" is. If I were to guess, I think she would be a capibara minus the hair. But maybe they don't want her to be anything, hence the name Uniqua. Afterall, it's a kids show. They couldn't name her "Clusterfuck".

At some point in the last 6 months, my son began to say that he was a "knight" and that he wanted to watch a show about "the knights". I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about. Little did I know that he was referring to the episode to end all episodes...the coup de grace...The Backyardigans were "The Mighty Knights."

The Might Knights is a kid-equivalent to a rock-opera. To a child, it's a hard-rock musical involving two knights of King Pablo's court, a talking, running, flying egg, a grabbin' goblin, a flighty fairy and a big ass dragon. However, to an adult, it's a demonic bum rush. It's a peek into the outer reaches of hell...interpreted through song and dance. At first, it's not so bad. In fact, watching the kids jump around when it's on is quite entertaining. But after the 100th viewing, simply enduring the entire show without ending one's life is considering a rousing success. The words and music grow hooks and embed themselves into the soft tissue of one's brain. The DVD's are similar to the people who had gone crazy when the little evil glowworms were put into their ears in "The Beastmaster." They can't be removed. They float alongside one's daytime activities. They infiltrate one's dreams. I'm convinced there is a special wing set aside in the Jamestown Mental Health rehab clinic to assist people in coming down off the 'yardis.

But it doesn't stop with the movies. My wife, her mother and step father, my children, and I are all going to watch this freakshow live and in person in Minneapolis sometime in April. That's right...the inventors of this scourge did not believe that the cartoon incarnation was enough, and have added a live, theatrical rendering as well. Was it my idea? Nope. My philosophy can be summed up by the great orator and linguistic phenomenon, George W. Bush when he said: