Twins finally go two games over .500...

...for the first freakin' time this year. They've been at or one game over .500 somewhere around 67,000 times this season (which I think leads the league) but have never been able to go two up...until today. But the game wasn't without incident.

First, Justin Morneau was taken out of the lineup after going 0-4 with a "mild groin strain". Groin injuries suck and it usually takes forever to overcome them. However, my control group this year involves Nick Punto, who is always hurt, so maybe I'm exaggerating. In any event, this isn't good news going into an important home series against the division-leading Detroit Tigers. On the bright side, he's going to get a day off tomorrow and a few days off over the all-star weekend.

Second, as stated, Nick Punto has a hurt back. There are two possibilities here. A) Joe Crede has infected yet another member of the team with the dreaded "Old Man Back". Joe Mauer has been bitten by that bug and now Nick Punto...or...B) Nick Punto is just a guy who is always hurt and on the DL. Despite the convincing nature of option "A", I'm going to have to go with the latter here. Nick can't go two games without dinging something. On the bright side...he doesn't really offer much of anything that can't be replaced at this point. Matt Tolbert is quite capable of hitting lazy fly balls to shallow center. The team will make do.

Third, Red Dawg took his obligatory "rogue foul ball in the (insert body part here)". Normally it's a shoulder or the jimmies. Today it was a screamer off of his arm. He was down for the count and had to be helped up off the ground, into the dugout and then over to the hospital for X-Rays. He is officially "day-to-day" with a deep bruise on her arm. Must be some bruise if he left the game. Hell, I saw an alligator bite Red's arm completely OFF one game. He sewed it back on while the home plate ump was sweeping the plate off and he called a complete game shutout. Dude's tough. This has ramifications in that just like his insistence that a shitty-hitting infielder needs to hit second, he is skeptical to allow Mauer to DH when there is only one other catcher on the squad.

Finally, Glen Perkins regressed a bit. He only gave up one run and eventually got the win. However, like Baker last night, he was anything but sharp...scattering 10 hits over 7. Not a clinic by any means. In fact, had it been any team other than the Royals, the outcome would probably have been different.

As stated, the Twins play Detroit starting Friday. A series win could move them to within 2 games of the division lead. A series sweep would have them tied up at the top. And while the injury to Punto isn't of much consequence considering he's just short of garbage so far this season, the loss of Morneau and Redmond is a very big deal.

MADS - Joe Mauer for going 3-3 with two walks and upping his season average to .393.

CSMA - Ron Gardenhire for wasting the two spot in the lineup with Tolbert and falling in love with Bobby Koepell already. Good lord.

Sometimes there really isn't a better answer...

...I've been doing this job now for a few years and if nothing else, it's been a dearth of "interesting" people, places and factual scenarios. When I first started doing this, I would try to figure out why people did what they did. After all, most of the time the things people were either alleged to have done, or actually DID do, just didn't mesh with logic or common sense. Why would a person throw an alligator skeleton at a one-legged man? Why would a person switch seats with the driver of a vehicle when he/she is drunk and the actual "driver" hadn't been drinking at all? (a fairly common occurrence). Why would someone think that his neighbor is secretly making him commit petty crimes? Why would someone use a plastic and metal coffee mug as a weapon? Why would a person claim that HE has had a sex change and that HE is now pregnant with Twins and allegedly carry around a Doppler to prove it? Surprisingly enough, only one of these individuals is/was a CLIENT of mine (guy charged with throwing an alligator skeleton). The rest are just things I've either read about or heard.

These are the things I used to try and figure out. I would bust my melon scouring all the usual suspects: intelligence, financial situation, childhood, familial relationships and upbringing, socio-economic position, employment, etc. And after doing this, I've come to realize that even if I'm able to make a good, reasoned judgement regarding people's unwillingness to fit the mold, it's never a certainty. So in the end, after going through the trouble to understand, I'm left with no real answers. So now I've stopped trying to figure it out altogether. Instead, I have a new fall-back..."Maybe he/she is just really weird." And this seems to be most people's MO.

I'm not being thorough or seeking enlightenment at all, but likewise, I'm not being judgmental. Some people like ball-gags and bullwhips in bed...I think that's weird. Just like a dude using another person's checkbook to buy a new car is really weird. Some people think Monet paintings are "pretty". I think that's weird. Just as it is when someone alleges he/she cannot work, but at the same time is employed as a semi-professional wrestler....weird. Sometimes things aren't explainable. Sometimes people just don't fall within an accepted range...an enumerated "normal". Instead, they're just really...fucking...weird.

No wonder the Netherlands did so well in the WBC...

...frickin' Sidney Ponson was on the juice. I think a stern phone call or a strongly-worded letter is in order from pitching coach Bert Blyleven.

Actually, Sidney was on an "appetite suppressant" and not steroids. However, that wouldn't be as funny. Why doesn't Sid just start smoking and barfing? It's worked for models for years.

Ayala actually thinks he's good enough to be setup man...

...apparently Luis Ayala needs to look at some film of his past performances. It's being reported that he went into Gardy's office and gave an ultimatum akin to "make me the 8th inning setup man or trade me". Gardy's response, evidently, was to give him the 8th inning spot...in Rochester. I'm not sure what the hell he thinking in asking for the promotion. Anyone who has watched the Twins this season knows that he can't be trusted in ANY clutch position...second only to the recently departed Jesse Crain. It's like me going to President Obama and demanding that I be made Supreme Court Justice and threatening to transfer to the Wyoming Bar Association if it isn't done. But that isn't the most shocking thing to come out of this story. For that, we see that Pittsburgh is willing to make a TRADE for him. Which is only evidence that there ARE bullpens in worse shape than the Twins'.

Second, RA Dickey is really starting to grow on me. Our little knuckleballer has not allowed a run (earned or otherwise) in June while coming out of the bullpen. He warms up instantly, can throw 4 or 5 innings if need be (read "if Liriano starts") and throws his fastball hard enough to keep people off guard. The National League is absolutely befuddled by him and the American League is only slightly less so. At the beginning of the year I was wholeheartedly against having a knuckleballer come out of the pen. But I'll tell you what, I'm a little smitten with Tricky Dickey.

Joe Mauer has come back to earth a little bit...having slipped from around .429 earlier in the month, down to about .397 following last night's game. He had been scuffling a bit as of late, falling into his nasty habit of pulling and grounding out to second. However, last night he seemed to be on top of things. It will be interesting to see whether or not he's able to make another run and get the average back up.

MADS - Denard Span for coming off of the DL and having a great day at the plate. Little Denard was able to shake off the dizzies and play really well. Close second to Ron Gardenhire for moving Luis down. Conclusion - Gardy has balls. Bill Smith does not. He does not win, however, due to his incomprehensible lineup cards. MAUER IN THE TWO SPOT!! Dammit, he just won't learn.

CSMA - I can't choose Ayala because he's a Red Wing/Pirate. However, I can choose the dude who brought him to the team as a setup man despite his horrible numbers in the recent past and is now faced with having to pay at LEAST 700K for a guy who notched more home-runs against than he did games held. So Mr. Smith it is.

Bachmann Batshit Overdrive...

You wanna know the REAL reason US citizens shouldn't fill out their census forms? Because if they do, there's a pretty good chance those ACORN fuckers will get ahold of their personal information and we all know what happens after that...internment ala the Japanese post-Pearl Harbor. Duh.



ACORN! ACORN! ACORN!

Good Lord, the race between her and Palin for "Most Detached Elected Official" is always neck-and-neck. But this is a doozy...even for Bachmann. Palin is gonna have to up the ante a bit...maybe claim the Democrats are responsible for inventing Asthma or something. Can't wait.

Dickinson Press does story gloriying offensive displays by racist ex-cop...

...as if anyone needed another reason not to purchase that worthless rag.

Yeah, I understand all the "it's his yard, he can put what he wants in it" stuff. And I understand that he has the freedom to express his views, regardless of their hateful meaning, under the 1st amendment to the constitution. But there is nothing that says the local paper has to do an article on his hateful displays and give him a pulpit from which he can spew his hate-speech. There is so much disturbing content here. Let's begin, shall we?

I go by this house all the time. I've always just assumed that the owner was some old, white, racist. I made these educated guesses based on the lawn adornments. Here's how the press describes him:

Upon his roof wave two contradicting flags, one a Confederate “Don’t tread on me” flag and the other a World War II Schutzstaffel (SS) flag. Kolling does however, have his own justification behind the contradiction.

“I’m German and I’ve always been interested in World War II and the SS was my favorite organization in Germany and that’s why I fly the flag,” Kolling said. “The yellow flag was flown by a lot of the Confederates during the Civil War.”

First, I don't see the contradiction at all. He's a fan of two blatantly racist organizations/groups. The confederates (if the author is aware) were in favor of the continued oppression of black slaves. The SS was Hitler's Jew-killing machine. What contradiction? Dude a pathetic old racist. That's all those two signs show. The author tries to make Mr. Kolling seem deep and thoughtful about his choice of ornamentation. However, there isn't any thought involved. He simply chose two symbols that inspire about as much hatred as one could imagine.

After his 28-year tenure on the police force, Kolling now finds enjoyment in reading and tending to his yard.

“Each year, something new shows up,” Wallace said with a chuckle.

This hate-filled person was a member of the local law enforcement team for nearly 3 decades. Scary. And look at Wallace giggling. "Oh that Kolling and his Jew-hating...such a kidder". Sickening.

But perhaps most vomit-inducing, however, are the comments which follow the article. The residents of this sleepy little villa get pretty defensive about Mr. Kolling and they hardly make an attempt to distance the city from the message Mr. Kolling's yard sends.

"Mr. Kolling's yard is just that...his yard. If you don't like it Sam, don't look at it. How sad for you to be so judgmental of other people. Just because one person's beliefs don't match yours doesn't mean you have to bash them and call them names. From what you wrote, you seem to be just as much of a bigot for the nasty things you said about someone you don't even know. You might want to be careful of the stones you are throwing." - Maidie E.

"I believe the UNITED STATES is still a free country. Carry on Mr. Kolling and Thank You for your Service. - Lenny R."

"I think everyone in Dickinson should do what Mr. Kollings is doing. Maybe then our taxes will go down. hey the sun is out" - Dennis J.

"One thing is for certain. This "yard" has caused a lot of reflection on issues that might be forgotten...at least the ones with the controversy remind us all of things best remembered. But how many of you remember Mr. Kolling's fine service IN our community. He was a fine police officer and that should also be remembered." - PJ K.

And by FAR, my person favorite:

"People dont get bothered for having angels in their yard and many people don't believe in angels. So SAM what I am trying to say is leave the poor man alone he don't judge you or your beliefs or lawn ornaments." - Crystal B.

Gotta love it. She defends this dude. But in doing so, she equates angels with The Nazi's. This place that I call "home" is so fucking backwards. So much hatred for the non-WASP crowd. Just shameful.

Those don't come in men's sizes...

...so Shanna and I were at Wally World this evening, having dumped the children and their bikes on my father's front doorstep, so that we might do some shopping for Max's birthday dinner on Friday. As is normally the case, we went there with specific needs, but managed to spend a good chunk of the paycheck on various unnecessary odds and ends.

Now, Dickinson is by no means a melting pot of cultural diversity. But tonight there was a good number of Hispanic chaps browsing the isles. But although to some of the yokels around here seeing a member of a different race would be the astonishing thing, to me what was most surprising was the necessity that a couple of the gentlemen were addressing...braziers.

As Shanna and I came around the end of the isle I like to call "The Carhart Corner", we were greeted by the sheepish peer of one Hispanic man who clearly was out of his element amongst the sports bras. And straight across from him was another Hispanic gentlemen who was thumbing through the hangers at his own pace. He was confounded and clearly frustrated by his predicament. For a fleeting moment, I felt the urge to step in and offer my assistance. After all, my wife was with me. But I know that feeling and the last thing a grown man wants at a time like that, is the advice of another grown man, despite his best intention.

You know they aren't buying them for themselves. I mean, first of all, they were big, burly lads who appeared to work on the rigs, and who did not appear to be those of the trans-gender persuasion. And second, even if they were into getting dolled up on women's lingerie, I would think they would opt for something a little slinkier than a one-piece, boob smashing sports bra. I mean, I don't frequent drag shows, but it's my experience that those who are not women, but intend to LOOK like them, often accentuate that "asset", not minimize it. And a sports bra isn't going to provide the "lift".

So they, like every other guy in that department, were sent there by a female. To make matters worse, they weren't even sent to get the "good" kind. No frilly lace or "Peekaboo". Nope, they had to go and get the unflattering "utility" bra. And just like every other guy in their situation (myself wholeheartedly included) they didn't have a freakin' clue what they were supposed to be looking for. I turned and looked back at them as I was leaving the section and they were still amongst the sporting apparel, looking at each other in a daze. And as I sauntered off, all I could think of was "poor bastards". Regardless of the racial and ethnic differences, there are some universal, shared occurrences. And a shamed, lost man amongst the women's delicates is one of them.

Twins management not happy with Crain's current CSMA award...

...it's painfully obvious that the people at Kirby Puckett Way are reading this blog. Recently, Jesse Crain was given the CSMA award designation by this very blog. Yesterday, in a fairly surprising move, he was optioned to AAA Rochester. Well, surprising to anyone who hasn't watched the games in which he's pitched, that is. This is Crain's final option with the team, meaning that he can be sent up and down as many times as needed this year. But if Jesse's struggles continue into next season and an option is required, he'll have to pass waivers. I hope he figures it out in Rochester. I always kind of liked Jesse. But right now, he's just unwatchable.

However, the fact that he's been optioned makes it necessary to pick a new reigning CSMA. For this, I'm going to dig deep. You've heard that Span was placed on the 15-day DL for his dizzy spells. And despite the fact that Brendan Harris has been more-than-serviceable in the lead-off spot in his stead, I'm going to give the award to the one thing that is holding us back right now...Denard Span's inner ear. Stupid tiny bones.

In other news, that Joe Mauer guy had a four-hit night and upped his season average to .429....which I've heard is kinda good. Clearly, he is the MADS.

North Dakota..."Come See If We're Murdering Visitors"...

...priceless.



Only one critique from me...is "Levon" a really Northern North Dakota name? I would have picked "Walen" or "Tupa".

Commerical Farming clearly pissed off about Obama garden...

...this is the height of inanity, seriously. The commercial farming and herbicide/pesticide "industry" is all atwitter about the White House organic garden.

"No sooner had the garden been announced than a letter addressed to Mrs. Barack Obama arrived at the East Wing from an organization that represents companies selling chemical pesticides and fertilizers. The Mid America CropLife Association, an agribusiness media group, urged the first lady to give conventional agriculture equal time. Referring to chemicals the group euphemistically called “crop protection products,” the letter said not only are such nonorganic techniques necessary, but their safety is also “supported by sound scientific research and innovation.”

Yeah, because the conventional backyard "garden" is going to use the same production methods as a commercial farm? What the hell is wrong with these people? If these people want the public to continue to eat the foods grown with their products, then they should find a way to counter the demand for organic by, I don't know, maybe making their products a little safer. And besides, does anyone really expect homeowners to consider these mega-farm options when they're thinking of planting a plot in the yard? Of course not. When Shanna and I put the garden in our yard, we sprinkled a little Martha Stewart fertilizer on it and decided to make our own compost. We didn't get Bayer Crop Science on the horn to come and douse it with their "kill all".

Controversy manufactured by morons.

So my wife and I have made it 6 years yesterday...

...actually, we've been together for 10 years altogether, but our nuptials took place six years ago this past "flag day". I always thought that it was cliche to get engaged/married on holidays. But after some careful consideration, "flag day" didn't seem to have that same trite stigma attached to it. Plus, we got a sweet "flag day" book from one of our wedding attendees as a present. So not only was I able to ceremonially legitimize the union to my wife, I was educated on the history of our national banner, and the celebration thereof. Double whammy.

At one time in our marriage and relationship, it was just the two of us. And as far as I can remember, we had a really empty home and did a whole lot of nothing. We had two dogs that were treated like royalty, cars that were fun and fairly small and a LOT of space in our storage room. Now, six years later, we've got two and 3/4 additional residents in our home, making for a tight squeeze at times. Our dogs have needed haircuts running on six months now. Our cars are both depressingly un-fun and increasingly "roomy" and our storage space is now loaded...comprised mostly of the 88 plastic bins filled with ill-fitting children's apparel. When this newest kid is out of baby clothes we're going to have quite the liquidation. And screw the garage sale, we could open our own toddler second hand store out of our basement. The image I have in my head is of numerous 3 year-old toddlers pushing tiny plastic carts... "browsing" our wares. The only problem I foresee is that it would be hard to haggle with them because they'd be so darned cute.

I must have lucked out. It's hard to imagine that I could have found someone that can multi-task like my wife does. And by multi-task I mean she is able to manage our home, our children, our dogs...and my childish mental state and space-cadet tendencies all at once. The first three are a task in and of themselves. I can only imagine the shitstorm created when one adds "me" to the mix. Yikes. I feel bad for her when she's pregnant. Less so because she's self-conscious and uncomfortable. More so because she can't have a drink. Must be hell. But she soldiers on. I'm thankful for that. I'm not sure that I'd be able to survive all that well without her. Really, the only time I remember our marriage being in jeopardy was when the Republicans told us it would be undermined when the gays got married...but that didn't really materialize.

Now, I'm not a complete slacker. I do bring certain things to the marriage. First, I can lift heavy stuff. This comes in handy when she needs me to move large objects from one place to another. Second, I can reach things really high up. She's not short, but our ceilings are high and sometimes a step-stool isn't enough. I am 6'3" and can reach the spices that are in the tall cabinets above the stove. Third, she can play me off as the bad guy when it comes to disciplining the children. This comes in handy when a birthday needs to be cancelled or Christmas revoked. Forth, I am handy with technology. Shanna would still be using dailup internet if it weren't for me. And with the impending switch from analog to digital cable, she would be screwed. Her giant console TV wouldn't play without some assistance. Finally, I am a far sight less spazzy. And don't think I'm being mean here. She knows it. She is the consummate planner. This lady needs an itinerary to use the bathroom. I, on the other hand would prefer that no planning be done. I find it easier (obviously) and a damn site more exciting. We meet somewhere in the middle. We're a team in this way. Although I would imagine her take on it is somewhat different. Like in a "pay attention to what I'm saying and get the kids' SHIT TOGETHER!" way.

We're a team, people....the "G" team. And it works. Well, it works for me. But this is my blog.

Happy Anniversary honey. I appreciate everything you do. I hope you know that. And no I haven't folded the laundry from this morning. Sorry.

Delmon wasn't the worst player this weekend...

...and he actually made it out of the CSMA spot this time 'round. Delmon, although still not hitting for any power or extra-bases, actually came around to making his bat hit the ball this weekend, and in the process went ahead and scored the game winning run in one of the ballgames. I give him a fair amount of criticism, so it's only right that I give him a head-nod or two when he doesn't suck...and this weekend he most certainly did not suck.

Jesse Crain, on the other hand, is steadily becoming the worst pitcher on our team, and I'm including Luis Ayala in that comparison. Luis can get people out every now and again. Jesse Crain isn't missing ANY bats right now and his ERA over the last 10 outings is in the Chien Ming Wang stratosphere. Most Twins fans wince when they see him come out of the pen (even WITH his new high sox) and considering the mess he made of the game yesterday, this reaction seems to be wholly justified.

Other recent developments from Twinsland? Carlos Gomez (who hit a dinger at Wrigley and sprinted the bases...no I mean SPRINTED them) should be playing every single day but he isn't. Joe Mauer should have already come back down to earth, but he hasn't. Anthony Swarzak deserved to stay on the club and at least pitch out of the pen, but he didn't. Michael Cuddyer and Joe Crede would be so much cooler without persistent injuries, but they aren't. And I thought Brendan Harris would go the whole year without winning the MADS award, but he didn't...

MADS - Brendan Harris - has hit safely in 16-17 games leading into yesterday, and is currently the full time shortstop, replacing Nick Punto who has moved over to second base. This is a better spot for Brendan because he actually kind of sucks on the back end of the double play. Plus he has shortstop range and seems to have a suitable arm. Good for him. Close second would be the Backstop Baby Jesus, who had three hits yesterday. But three hits in a day is kind of ho-hum for Joe. Brendan Harris knocking the cover off the ball and stealing an infield spot from an opening day starter is the cat's pajamas.

Apparently David Letterman made a joke about Willow Palin that was in bad taste...

...by saying:

"One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked-up by Alex Rodriguez."

My first reaction after reading it was kind of a wince. It was most definitely going off limits, talking about people's kids. I really don't like that kind of thing. Those kids did nothing to inject themselves into the public eye and have all been just unfortunate enough to have a public figure for a parent. However, I really don't know that it's anything worth the media blitz that has resulted. The Republicans are always bitching and moaning about the rampant PC culture of today. However, it's clear that they're OK with it when it can be used to their political advantage. And leave it to Sarah Palin to exploit her children by purposely keeping it in the news to do just that.

Here's a video of her speaking with Matt Lauer on "Today".




A great part is just prior to her hand wringing about David Letterman when she says she'll only talk about it "if we must". Please. This lady would do anything to keep her bobble head in the papers. If she doesn't want people talking about her daughters and the nasty jokes that a late-night comic made about them, I've got an idea...how about she stops talking about her daughters and the late night jokes every single time she gets a chance.

But by far the best part of the interview is her trying to explain away the comment she made to the press about appearing on Dave's show:

"The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost ... plus it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman."

So let me explain. She's pissed off about a late night comic making a joke about someone having illegal sex with her 14-year-old daughter, and she responds by implying that she won't go on the show because David Letterman may have illegal sex with her 14-year-old daughter. Seriously. And this lady is in politics.

Although, in her defense, this makes perfect sense when one is a bitter, vacant, deranged, witch-hunting, right-wing nut like her.

She's apparently pissed off about the top ten list too. Sorry Sarah, that was funny shit.

Memorial Day Weekend 2009...

...was spent at my father-in-law's lake home on Lobster Lake near Alexandria, MN. We spent the vacation with Rob, Erin, Sophie, Polly, Patrick and Wes. We managed to some camping, some drinking, some fishing, some four-wheeling, some canoeing, some boating, some eating, some sunning and managing to build a REALLY crappy "ladder golf" game using PVC pipe, old golf balls and rope. Incidentally, we played one series of ladder golf (best two out of three) for world domination and I swept. Just saying...

The weather was great until the day we had to drive home. We couldn't have asked for more. Here are some pictures of the adventure, with captions of course.

Here's Lucy and me on the four-wheeler. She LOVED it. At first I just tooled along slowly with her in the front, but she would get irate if I wasn't going fast. Lucy, Max and Sophie took turns driving up and down the drive for what seemed like an hour. They all really dug it. I was surprised because my kids are kind of scaredy cats. I realized another thing too...I want one.

Like I said, we spent a lot of the time fishing. And one of the days Shanna decided that we would keep what we caught. She caught a nice bass while we were boating and I caught the other in the bull-rushes next to the lift. Along with this there were...

...numerous sunfish that were unfortunate enough to be good enough size to eat. After being caught and lugged up to the garage, it was time for a lesson in cleaning and filleting. Then Shanna greased up a cast-iron pan, dunked the nuggets in eggs, milk and flour and cooked up some delicious shore lunch. And although I've never been a fan of bass, the sunny nuggets were great as always.

This last picture is of Max with his very first fish. Now, he's caught others before, but this is the first one in which he helped bait the hook, cast, watch the bobber, reel in and hold. It was super fun for him and saying I was a "proud papa" is an understatement. Even more exciting was the fact that he wanted to fish constantly. Every morning, as soon as he woke up he would come and wake me up and pressure me into going down to wet a line.

Sure buddy, twist my arm.