Way to go Morneau!!!!

Justin Morneau lost the sprint, but won the marathon when he outlasted Josh Hamilton who put on one of the most ridiculous displays of power I have ever seen. I damned near shed a tear knowing the backstory. But the 28 smashes he hit in round one wore him down as he couldn't duplicate the magic in the finals. Just like his MVP year...no one really wanted him to win, but he did anyway.

Good on the Mountie.

The New York Times Covergate...

My opinion? Who gives a shit. I think New Yorker subscribers are smart enough to realize that it's a jab at all the RW smear. Funny thing is most of the propagandists will be too dumb to realize they're being duped.

I do have one qualm about how it was executed, however. If the satire is not the Obamas and is, instead, the ridiculousness of the GOP, why not allude to that in the cover? How about a picture of Bush shitting himself thinking with a thought bubble and this picture? At least clue the less-than-quick media lappers in to what's going on. Perhaps a more astute photoshopper should take this to task.

Diversion. Nothing to see here.

Indians have "a-ha" moment on Saturday...

When they realized to themselves..."So THAT'S why Minnesota didn't want this guy anymore."

Indians up by 7, they put Rincon in, and he gave up his team's only four earned runs against during the game.

From one of the best set-up men in the game to pure filth. It's too bad really. I thought he was VERY good in the Johan Santana/Michael Cuddyer magician ad.

Morneau says "OK" to home run derby...

Last year Morneau went into the all-star break with a billion homers and took part in the home run derby. He didn't fare too well and his swing was pretty much AWOL the rest of the year. I think I remember him stating that the derby helped dick up his rhythm. Once again, he's having a stellar first half. And although he initially said that he wouldn't participate in the derby this season, alas, he has decided to give it another go.

The contest is tonight at 6pm Mountain Time. Support him in his bid to bring the dinger crown back to...Canada. And silently pray to your respective deity that Justin isn't plagued by the derby jitters thereafter.

Refresher course...

I've had a question regarding the awards that I give out randomly during my Twins posts. More specifically, what the hell the abbreviations mean. I guess I didn't realize that 1) I haven't posted what they mean for quite some time (going on a couple years) and 2) that anyone actually read those posts. But here they are...

MADS - Most. Awesomest. Dude. on the Squad.

CSMA - Currently. Sucking. the Most. Ass.

Mountie Morneau goes 5-5 with a dinger...

...en route to a Twins win against the Tigers at Comerica. The team had to battle back a couple times to get the win. The most recent sign of the apocalypse? Nick Punto is lighting opposing pitchers up. Not only is he a fixture on ESPN's "Web Gems" and "Top Plays", but he's now having one multi-hit game after another. And last night I almost shit myself when Tim Kurkjian said that Nick was the "most athletic player on the field" for the Twins. And he wasn't being hyperbolic. He was dead serious.

Do we really need Delmon Young playing an outfield position? He's got to be the worst left-fielder in the league. He makes Manny Ramirez look like Willie Mays. When Cuddyer comes back, why not let him play right, move Denard to left and DH Delmon? I've heard of worse ideas.

MADS- Justin Morneau. When you need the win, call on the Mountie on Duty (Backyardigans reference. I hate myself)

CSMA - The entire bullpen sans Joe Nathan. Boof especially.

My newest worstest nightmare...

This, my friends, is Kai Lan. She is your average bilingual preschooler of a non-traditional Grandfather-only family with the powers of animal speak ala Dr. Doolittle. Her friends consist of "Rintoo" the cocky, adventure loving tiger and "Tolee" the cerebral Koala who, for whatever reason, always seems pissed off during the show. That monkey is "Hoho". He is exasperatingly energetic and, although is name lends itself to visions of yuletide celebration, it's actually code for "I want to kill that fuckin' monkey". What do all these characters have in common? I want to bury them in my back yard.

The bastards at Nick Jr. decided that it was a good idea to jazz their morning routine up a bit by mixing the schedules around. Instead of the Backyardigans at 7:00, I am forced to watch this horrorshow. In addition to the token mix of languages (this time its mandarin Chinese), it has singing...annoying, atonal singing. It's not even the Chinese garble that bothers me. Hell, my kids speak in English garble all of the time. But ALL OF THE SONGS ARE THE SAME!!! Only the words change from one show to the next, normally reflecting that morning's "lesson". Today it was how Tolee needed to "calm down" (by taking a couple breaths and doing Tia Chi or some shit) before going off the deep end (he smashed Hoho's sandcastle that he made for his little crab buddies). Now I've got this tune rattling around in my sinuses and I'm an inch away from ramming a coat hanger up my nose and ripping my brain out through my nostrils.

Of course, I can't turn the channel because my kids love it. I mean, why wouldn't they? The Kai lan gang is like the nasty, older group of drug-smokin' friends you don't want your kids to hang out with, but can do nothing about. I came into the room this morning after getting some coffee and my kids were screaming her praises..."Kai Lan!!! Kai Lan!!" Even my daughter, who has a hard time saying her OWN name, was singing along.

We had the Bozo show and G.I. Joe. What the hell happened?

What would have happened if the Twins hit 3 grand slams in the 9th yesterday?

They would've lost. Ish.

It's quite a feat to manage 14 hits and lose by 13 runs. What, exactly does it mean when that happens? It means the pitching on display was shockingly craptastic. Check out this box score.

Minnesota	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Hernandez (L, 9-6)	4.1	11	6	6	0	2	0	5.44
Bonser	1.2	4	4	4	1	1	0	6.50
Breslow	0.1	1	2	2	1	1	0	2.33
Bass	1.1	6	5	5	0	0	1	5.27
Reyes	0.1	1	1	1	0	0	1	2.92

Holy shit does that suck. The Indians called up Rincon yesterday. Do they want Bonzer too?

28 Senate Dems vote "NO" on FISA bullshit...

Here they are:

Akaka, Biden, Bingaman, Boxer, Brown, Byrd, Cantwell, Cardin, Clinton, Dodd,
Dorgan, Durbin, Feingold, Harkin, Kerry, Klobuchar, Lautenburg, Leahy, Levin,
Menendez, Murray, Reed, Reid, Sanders, Schumer, Stabenow, Tester, Wyden.

Notice that North Dakota's own Byron Dorgan had his stones with him. Conrad, alas, did not. Notice who else ain't on the list...Obama. He did what he said he was going to do, and voted for the bill. One problem, that's not what he said in the primary. As a constitutional scholar, I expected more from him.

I'm kinda worried...and proud at the same time...

We've just about conquered this potty training thing with Max. We put him in diapers at night, but it's been eons since his last accident during the day. Yesterday morning, however, Shanna thought that he may have wet his pants due to the fact that his diaper was bulging in that general area. She asked him "Max, did you go potty in your pants?" His reply?

"Nope. That's my big wiener....BIG wiener."

Apparently, his door was open when Grampa was sampling the late-night HBO skin flicks.

Awwww....

And sometimes I like to stop in to leave little comments just so you know that your foolishness is noted and, appropriately, discounted as the ranting of a true believer incapable of objective political analysis.

You should stick to the Twins stuff, which is actually pretty good.

Ain't that cute.

We had a great 4th of July...

My sister was home for her HS reunion. The family went to two different parades. My kids ate enough candy to choke a horse. There were bands, and drinks and gardens and art and cowboys and trucks and fireworks and farm animals and sunshine and everything else that would make a great independence day weekend. But do you know what the best part about the weekend was? It was coming into my parents house to the work of soft-core cinematic magic..."Ghost In The Tiny Bakini" playing on the HDTV. Oh, I shall explain.

We had a bon fire at my parents' home on Saturday and my father retired early into the living room to surf the internet. I went in about 1/2 an hour later to get something to eat and he was, indeed, looking at his laptop and watching Demolition Man on the big screen. It was at the part where Sly takes the future cops down into the sewer to look for Edgar Friendly and is treated to "Carne de rata". I went outside again and joined my sister and wife for another hour or so on the back patio.

When we had suffered through the smoke long enough, we put out the fire and went inside only to find my father slouched over sleeping on the sofa, with his laptop computer gleaming in front of him, and two naked people getting their jollies off and their "OH" faces on...conveniently covering their naughty parts of course. Not that I should be surprised by the randomness of late-night cable pornography, but I was a little bit perplexed as to why the young lady was wearing an ammunition belt and nothing else. If it were me, that would have been the first thing I took off. My father, of course, woke up when we came inside and his famous last words were "I was watching Demolition Man!!!"

I read it, 'cause he makes me giggle...

And this is just the latest nugget of nonsense from our state's "Most Popular Political Blog".

***

I actually think Obama is rolling the dice a bit with this. It’s a good idea if he can pull it off, but what if he can’t fill the stadium? It may shock some who only know about Obama through what they hear through the Obama-adoring media, but let’s remember that this guy barely won the Democrat nomination and that entire chunks of his party are considering not even voting for a President at all this election cycle.

I’d be willing to wager that the Democrats will have people out hustling to fill seats less the messiah be embarrassed by some empty sections in the upper decks. And even if they manage to herd enough people into the stadium to fill it, I doubt everyone there will be an Obama supporter.

After all, car accidents and train wrecks draw crowds too.

***

Apparently, Rob forgot a few things. One, despite the fact that Obama "barely" won his party's nomination, he already packed a park with 75,000 people. And unless you're dense enough to believe that most of them showed up to see the Decemberists and just stayed to watch the popular Democratic candidate for the free drinks and giggles, then it's not a stretch to think that they might be able to pull it off as part and parcel to the PARTY'S CONVENTION, when he ACCEPTS THE NOMINATION (*wink...nod*). Second, Rob forgot that he already used that tired joke the last time he had to spin a 75,000-person rally into a bad thing.

There are always loads of circular arguments in Rob's posts and it's quite hard to follow him, considering he's about as consistent as a geriatric bowl movement. But these little chunks of mind blowing anti-logic are what I keep going back to see. That and the bra ads on the right side bar.

Remember when I said there wasn't much bad to say about the Twins?...

Well, Aaron Gleeman has used his knack for negative to do just that. But even he of the perpetual "glass half empty" couldn't say that the current winning streak was ALL bad.

In other news, Delmon Young retains his rightful position as CSMA winner for swinging on the first pitch offered during two separate at-bats, each with the bases juiced, and producing nothing. There is nothing more frustrating to watch right now than his horrible plate discipline. Coincidentally, Gleeman got that one right.

I sent a subpoena for medical records the other day...

...and I received their response in the mail. It states that they will not release the information requested without a release of information from the patient.

SHUT. UP. You mean I can just ASK the victim to sign over her sensitive medical documents so I can peruse through her past venereal diseases? I so didn't think of that.

On to plan B...

From the files of "Damn Right I Need That"...

comes this:



Even if the guy’s dressed in his favorite old white tee shirt, with this napkin at his neck he’ll actually look like he made the effort to get "dressed for dinner". A great conversation piece at any party. 20 paper napkins to a package; five of each design. Cello wrapped. Measure 13” x 13”.

Get them here.

P.S. It's also quite amusing that instead of getting a model to show off this creation, it appears as though they simply went outside and yelled "anyone want to wear a paper tie napkin thingee?" This dude just happened by.

I figured out why I haven't been blogging about the Twins much...

It's because they've been doing quite well. And considering the fact that the majority of my squawking about them is negative, I haven't had much to say. And that's...good...I guess.

They continued on last night, nipping the Indians for a series sweep at the dome for the first time in a couple years. Delmon Young is really taking his scolding to heart, heating up considerably over his last 40 at-bats. Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer and Joe Nathan have taken their rightful seats at the All-Star table (more on that shitstorm in a bit) and the team continues to battle back from early deficits to get wins. They now sit just 1 game back of the Sox. Unfortunately, the Sox play host to the Royals (who, admittedly, have been better than normal) while the Twins get the Sox at Fenway. David Ortiz won't be there. But do you know who will? Jason Fuckin' Varitek. Scared? No? I didn't think so.

This man is living proof that the All-Star balloting is nonsense. Jason Varitek, who is currently hitting closer to .200 than he is .225, was voted as the reserve catcher for the AL squad. How is that even possible? Are Boston fans filled with that much ignorant allegiance? Are they blinded by his giant belt buckels? Personally, I would be embarrassed. It would be like Twins fans busting ass to get Juan Rincon a spot in the All Star pen, just 'cause they can. The only other "Tek" that has been a bigger failure starred in "Real World Hawaii" and tried, unsuccessfully, to parlay his "talents" into a movie career. Hardly savory company.

I simply do not have the energy to parse through all of the other big-market brain teasers from this year's All Star roster. But some of the most notable? Miguel Tejada? Come again. Derek Jeter? Certainly getting by on his history this year. He's been anything BUT remarkable thus far. David Ortiz? Again, Boston fans, are you guys idiots? The dude has been hurt all year. And when he wasn't hurt, he was shit. I'll give you Drew and Pedroia, but Tek and Ortiz are unforgivable. Alfonso Soriano? I guess Cubs fans are just as dense as their counterparts in Beantown. I understand he was doing quite well through his 200 odd at-bats, but he's hurt people...H.U.R.T. It doesn't make you cooler if you vote your favorite guys on. Besides, God's an Angels fan. Duh. And finally, how in the HELL is Dioner Nevaro the only player from the league's best team? Tampa fans should be ashamed of themselves. It's one thing to criticise them for not going to watch their ballclub play. After all, one must actually get off one's ass and GO to the ballpark to see them, despite the obvious incentive. However, it takes a real POS to be too lazy to click a mouse a couple times. Wow.

UPDATE: Apparently, as a commenter kindly pointed out, "Tek" was voted in by the players and not the fans. I actually heard that on the radio after posting today. I will point out, however, that he was second in fan balotting and was first until quite late in the race. If the Twins didn't have the best catcher since Bench, he would have been voted in by the moronic Boston "nation".

So, in summary, I was mistaken...but not wrong. My hind end is sore from talking out of it so much.

Kiddo Update:

Well, the hard drive debacle is just about over...and I think I managed to lose about 400 photos. I was able to salvage some low-res versions of my kids' pics as well as most of the pictures from our trip to Germany. Unfortunately, none of the pictures from Max's 3rd birthday survived. And that is a shame considering there were quite a few really good ones. Too bad.

Lucy is talking her ass off right now. And I'm not always sure she knows what she's saying either. Instead, she's copying everything...and I mean EVERYTHING that she hears. Now I have two parrots to be concerned about. I've done alright with the Twins (the winning streak helps a LOT) but I'm sure that when the Vikings season begins I'll have to lock myself in a room by myself or scream into a pillow. Otherwise my children will be squawking obscenities while at day care. My son already asked his day care lady, upon seeing the carnival rides, "What the hell is that?" I don't need Lucy screaming about how Tavaris Jackson is a shithead or something equally true, but embarrassing. Her newest thing to say is YYYYYUUUUCCCKKK! No matter what it is, Lucy expresses her disgust. Now, this doesn't prevent her from eating it...let's not get nuts. She used this adjective the other evening when I asked her if she wanted a hamburger from the grill, but promptly ate one...and then her brother's as well.

We also decided, just a couple days ago, to move them into the same room. Shanna and I have never been all that comfortable sleeping downstairs while they were upstairs. So we bunked them together, moved our bedroom back into the other upstairs bedroom, and moved all of the toys into what used to be our bedroom. We hooked the old TV with the Portugspanglish subtitles up to a DVD player and set it up so they can watch Backyardigans whenever they want, and littered the room with books. Let me tell you what...having a playroom is the Shiznit. Not only do they spend a lot of time in there together, but all of the crap that used to be littering our living, bed and family rooms is now concentrated in one room. I feel so cleansed.

The first night in the room together was quite the experiment. In fact, even a week or so later, they still talk to each other for 20 minutes before settling down. Max has turned stalling bedtime into an art form. He needs a drink. He needs a blanket. He needs puppy. He needs Teddy. I didn't put socks on him. Lucy wants Dad. Over the monitor we heard him get up, go over to Lucy's crib and ask her "Lucy...do you want dad?" Lucy responded with a very heartfelt "YEEEAAAHHH." Max says "OK, I'll get him." At this point, he begins knocking on his door and yelling my name loudly. When I respond, he says..."Lucy wanted you." He's a sly little bugger.

So we're all sitting in the living room the other night and Max is by the door trying to put his sandals on. I can tell he's having some trouble with them and he's becoming visibly frustrated. He continues trying to put them on until it's simply too much to bear and he yells out "THIS SHOE IS NOT COOPERATING!!!" To be honest, I didn't know he even knew that word, let alone what it meant and how to use it in a sentence. They surprise me daily.

I promised my sister that I would blog about the kids, and post pictures to accompany it so here goes. I was going to post the birthday pics, but alas, some others will have to do.

Max and Lucy helped their mother bake in the kitchen and they managed to get flour all over them...with my help of course. My main job in the kitchen is to create workflow problems and generally, make it harder for my wife to accomplish her goals. Not sure what Max is surprised at in this pic. His sister may have just goosed him, you never know.

Yep, look at that face...she totally did. This is the face that Lucy makes for 99% of the pictures taken of her. Once she sees the camera, it's automatic mugging mode.

This is just damned cute, that's all. No real story behind it other than to say THIS is why I'm happy to come home from work every day.

I think I've written about Max's ping-pong obsession before. It started with the Backyardigans. Duh. After watching him pretend everything was a ping-pong paddle we decided to get him his own, genuine paddle and ball. He ruined the first one from using it too much. That and he left it in the swimming pool over night. We bought him a new one. It's in his bed with him as we speak.

Roughrider Days...

It. Has. Arrived.

In this part of the State, Roughrider Days is the cat's pajamas. It's Dickinson's yearly "celebration" that takes place for a week surrounding the 4th of July. There are parades, beer gardens, concerts (shitty ones normally), art exhibits, beer gardens, rodeos (and they're fancypants counterpart..."showdeos"), animal exhibits (both live and "static"), fireworks, car shows and some beer...in gardens. Just check out the myriad of shitkickin' FLAVOR that this week is offering.

I actually love this week every year. I'm not much of a cowboy. I don't know squat about farm animals and I really don't like going to places that smell like animal poop. I don't know anything about farming or farm equipment. In addition, I don't like Country music. Nor do I enjoy working on classic cars. And I hate rodeos due to the whole "avoiding poop smells" thing. Well, that and horses make my neck swell. But I really do like the week. Maybe its the good mood that people are in. Maybe it's the one week out of the year where there is a smidgin of culture around (local music, The Arts Roundup, beer...in gardens). Whatever it is, I welcome it every July and am sad when it passes.

My sister is hoppin' in the car and making her way back home to celebrate her 10-year High School class reunion. I'm sure that she'll keep fairly entrenched in the mid-summer madness that is upon us. Note to Lindsey...this year's parade theme is "Musical Moments". I say you go as THIS guy. That truly was a great "Musical Moment".

For the rest of you...I'll see you on the other side. Odds are there will be at least one AC/DC cover band. Fingers are crossed.

Alright, enough of this nonsense Delmon...

Matt Garza is making look like a pudgy schmuck. You too Harris, although you're kind of off the hook considering Jason Bartlett's shitty .253/.297 /.286 line for the Rays. (I had to double take that slugging percentage too...wow. That's awful).

But Delmon, the second half is waiting for you to justify being acquired for a pitcher that the Twins have hyped since 2nd grade. Two homers just ain't going to cut it. You see Delmon, I didn't like Garza. I thought he was a pompous back patter. But that just makes it all the more painful when you pop out to first base on the very first pitch of the at-bat after the hitter in front of you took first base on a four pitch walk. It's painful because I find myself thinking, "Maybe we should have kept Garza." I don't want to think that Delmon. I want you to make me forget him and his 10 wins and the bevy of scoreless innings. I want you to remind me, through run production, that he wouldn't listen to coaching from Rick Anderson. I want to remember him as a lying sack that threw Twins coaching under the bus when questioned about his arm problems. I want you to remind me that he had a vicious spitting problem. I want to remember Matt Garza as a dirty, no-good poopie head, not the guy we gave away to get Demitri Young's untalented sibling.

Come on. Pull your head out of your ass. You're better than that. Here's your motivation:

CSMA - Delmon Young.
MADS - Denard Span.

Hurts doesn't it? You just got took by Denard Span...he of perpetual minor league destiny. And you'll stay there until you draw at least one walk. And it doesn't count if you get beaned either. You actually have to take 4 pitches out of the strike zone...in the same at bat...and take first base. 10-1 says it's August before that happens.

UPDATE: Delmon's line today was 3-4 with two doubles, a run and a ribbie. Don't tell me that he wasn't hunched in front of his laptop, reading this blog before the game. But alas, poor Delmon, you still didn't eek a walk. And it will take more than one day of mastery to quell my disdain. And no, it wasn't simply a continuation of the .340 hitting over the last 25 games. He took my scolding to heart. Duh.